Tharsis

2003-06-20T13:26:00.000-07:00

Meet The New Blog, Same As The Old Blog

I dood it! I am on my own website from now on, so change your links to:

The Real Tharsis

Ha HA! No more setting font size manually, no more copying comment code for each entry. It's great to be bloggin' in my own place and out of the YMCA. Thanks Blogger, it was fun and not such a bad place to be (for free).

I will naturally keep this page open for the link and reference. I need to start transferring some of the gadjets here over there. I like the nifty Bloglinker list here, so I think I will keep it and pop it into the new blog when I get the code (I always save all of these things in files on my hard drive, but all of this reinstalling , moving folders, and wrestling with XP is confusing). I'm going to take a while to pick through the archives and see if it's worth the trouble to transfer any of them. Also, the new color scheme, it's not working for me. Now I can be on Trading Spaces.

Thanks for visiting and reading, True Tharsites, and please do follow me over to the new pad. It's gonna be a lew-lew!

[comment over there, I'm sick of putting the code here ;) ]

2003-06-17T22:53:00.000-07:00

It's All About You. Well, You First And Then Me Again.

Rich Koller

There are other people in this post, but it's mostly about Rich Koller. I promised I wouldn't make fun of him, so this is all about how cool he is. If you know Rich, then you know all about it. If you don't know Rich, shame on you! Technically, I don't know Rich either, but Hell, it's his dime.

Rich posts to a message board I often visit, the name of which is a 'joke' that is still too embarrasing to mention. That is where I met him, and where I first saw his work in the comics medium. Rich is a master of Minimalism, and by that I mean he draws like a nine year old kid after too many Mountain Dews. His strong suit is his writing, which reminds one of the humorous insight of Mel Brooks in his prime (you know, when he was just in his 50's). Anyway, it's right to the point biting satire at it's best. He should do a whole book, and take some shelf space away from Sam Henderson.

The most important point I can make here is one that naturally brings everything back to me. Rich is one of the few individuals who has shown me support in my time of need. This is just about the best way to get on my good side, as I'm huge on loyalty and support. Fortunately this number has grown by one or two people recently, so I will not need to destroy the world this month. My brain may be damaged by a youth spent steeped in drugs and alchohol, but there are two things I never forget: people who make my life a living Hell, and people who make an effort to reverse that process.

Call when you need me, Rich. You'll get the GOOD answering machine.

Now, about some of the rest of you:

Kevin Parrott should have a book out filled with nothing but humorous anecdotes. Not only is he talented enough to pull it off, but I think it's high time that Dave Barry wrapped it up and gave someone else a chance. He's probably working on it; he should just name it after his blog, too. I don't know if Warner Brothers will give him the rights to the Wolf.....
Yesterday I asked if Treacher could get any weirder. He understandably seems concerned with this view, so let me clarify my point. He is absolutely right that it is severely uncool to post to comment sections of blogs under another person's name. It's also pathetic and stupid for bloggers to assume that everyone needs to be pulled into their little in-jokey feuds. I just wanted to get him to relax a little in my own twisted way. But it's his blog and he knows what he's doing. SO, to sum up: Closing the comments function on your blog and adopting the policy of not posting to other people's comment sections does not by any means make one weird. No sir, posting photo cartoons about robots picking up human chicks does make you weird. I hope that helps!
Trace has a blog that is always worth a look, even when you don't have the time. Too many guy photos around the joint, but I'm there to read, not look at 'fucknuggets' (heh). Since I have the attention span of a chipmunk in a coffeebean warehouse, I don't know where the other two snarky three are. Trace wants to know, where is my new blog? I am having trouble re-installing some of my old programs, and can't find my FTP software, and my MT log-in doesn't work either, so the new blog is still forthcoming. Maybe NEXT week. Maybe I should just give it over to Trace, then it would look cool and be WORTH READING. Or, just give me a few links to some design how-tos. Anyways, you are heading for the same list that Rich is on, which is like, way cornbread.
B. Dave - I am not guilty of forgetting your drawing. I AM guilty of not reading your blog for a while. I've been biznatch with the skiznatch. Bizzle. Biz, FUCK IT, I'm swamped with negativity, old boy.

One more thing: Talking to members of my family makes me feel bad, even if they're trying to help. Do you guys get this too? They tell me I need to network and socialize to get a job, even though none of them have very many friends and spend all their time working and doing family stuff. I can't even explain to them why I don't want to be part of their church, no answer suffices. They actually said that people in church (Baptist) are very tolerant and easy to get along with. PLEASE tell me you see the foolishness of this statement.

If you don't share the interests and views of the people around you, at best they turn cold towards you, and at worst ostracize you. You either end up going elsewhere or pretending to be something you're not. I am a rare individual with rare interests, views, and tastes. I'm not going to be a fake. Talking to people is WORK, and I'm sick of living a lower-class life entirely filled with WORK. I'll socialize with anyone who doesn't make it into WORK. I can be comfortable with the idea that all of you are smarter than me, better than me, and know more than me, if you'll just KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.

Next Issue: What the hell was that stuff in the last issue about?

2003-06-16T12:41:00.000-07:00

Happy Happy, Joy Joy, Ah Shit Whatever

Still wrestling with life people. Let's get going:

I HATE HATE HATE MSN. I don't WANT to use their browser, I don't WANT to use their Hotmail that disables my Outlook Express and deleted all of my old email, folders and addresses. I don't WANT Instant Messaging or all of the stupid spam that comes in through it EVEN WHEN IT'S DISABLED. I don't want MICROSOFT RUNNING MY LIFE FOR ME. Leave me alone, I can do it myself. Now I have to track down Tech Support again and spend a day getting them to tell me how to disable/uninstall all of this crap and just have an internet connection and an email program. That IS ALL I NEED THANK YOU.
Why has my computer rebooted four times when I was clicking a link when online? Drivers? Microsoft keeps kicking me off when I go to their site to download the OS updates. THEY DECIDED WHAT SIZE THEY SHOULD BE AND THAT THEY WOULD TAKE LONGER TO LOAD AND SET UP THAN MY CONNECTION WILL ALLOW. Another reason to kill MSN Explorer. Don't do anything for me anymore!
I have to reinstall EVERYTHING. Ah, so what. It'll be fun. Really. Right?
I still can't get a job, or any interviews or responses at all. I fucking hate everyone in the world, just in case you're asking. Hate.
HOWEVER: I will be transferring over to my MT Blog on my website this week! I haven't the time to keep figuring out how to redesign it, so I'll just use the template as is and let it evolve. I don't think CSS is all you need to configure the look of you want structural changes. I don't know, it's all so confusing. How the Hell did all of you people learn this low-end programming stuff? Why is everything so hard? My money goes to the first person to develop a complete Blog Editing program, with all function and design available from within the console. Don't think I haven't looked into it already, either. Some make claims, and they ain't true.
Thanks Rich. I like pizza. And there's plenty of other people to make fun of.
Could Treacher get any weirder? No posting comments or allowing them to be posted? Just because stupid people are on the web? Don't you want to communicate with the few who aren't stupid? You might as well write a newspaper collumn, or scribble on pieces of paper and never show them to anyone. I have been doing the latter for many years - do you want to be like ME? You have been warned! ;) Or not, since you have no comments. OH to be denied my wisdom! Don't you know it is my curse in life to be able to solve everyone else's problems but my own? I'm here for you all. It just LOOKS like I'm not paying attention.

I'll announce the change over to my site right here and keep the Blogger link up so's you can all find it. I really am a nice guy when MY WHOLE WORLD ISN'T CRUMBLING DOWN AROUND ME. Sorry. You gonna finish that CASE?

2003-06-10T23:50:00.000-07:00

WHOA.

Not much time, must tell you:

Motherboard DIED!

Replace? $350???? It's a Presario from 1999 ferchrissakes! $99 diagnostic and install? 4Q! I'm unemployed, I don't have the money for this, my vehicle tags are due this month.

SO, shop around, two days without internet, missing possible job offers and freelance offers. Nasty people working in computer stores.

Then LO, Best Buy having a clearance sale! HP - $400!! Out of the box (reconditioned? they don't know either!) Whoo hoo! However, NO DOCUMENTATION or warrantee. Okay, another hundred for 3 years p&l. Now, to figure out Windows MX.

Also I can now put old harddrive on new computer. This was easy once Best Buy clerk dude reminded me it isn't 1996 anymore. Will get the charity graphics job done after all.

I am now officially out of money. Busted, broke, poor. If I don't get a job by next month, you probably won't be seeing any updates here anymore at all. I'll try to warn you. I guess I can still post to pieces of cardboard. You could donate, but I won't beg.

Speaking of that, fuck that chick that dissed Treacher: she doesn't realize that you can have the money for a computer and internet account one day, and be unemployed and ruined the next. Must be nice. Do spam her for me, won't you?

More time must go by before the NEW BLOG is go. Thank you for your support.

2003-06-05T22:48:00.000-07:00

Where The Hell Is The Big Giant Funny?

I'm chugging along on the indie blog, which means I'm getting distracted and pulled in several directions at once.

I can't make the official launch yet for a few reasons, even though it is 'up'. For uzzample, I don't know if Blogger's archives are stable enough to transfer. We may need to start fresh folks. Funky fresh. I'll probably end up plagerizing myself. If you were in my head, that would make sense.

I also want to learn more about Movable Type and the template layouts. One reason I'm pulling away from Blogger is seeing so many of their templates, although very well designed, becomes repetitious. And repetitious, too. Many peeps with different styles o' blog have the same layout and colors. Fortunately there are many choices, so chances are it won't get too redundant, but I want to try something unique, to give it that old "Tharsis flavor" (remember onion gum?). If you know anything about design, you know that the process (known by the serious-minded as "getting cute") is prone to glitches. I don't want ya'll to have to keep hollerin' at me about stuff that doesn't load (though that will probably happen anyway). When it's reasonably ready, up it goes (soon, SOON).

So please stay with me, even as my posts become less frequent here. I promised you a heckablog, and I'm gonna give it a shot. And a beer.

2003-06-04T20:17:00.000-07:00

Odds & Ends As We Count Down

Treacher called attention to the demise of Freddie Blassie. Me, I've always been partial to the master of the brain claw.

I'll be putting up quizzes and cartoons and fun crap on my new blog. That's why it's gonna take me a while - I'm trying to design it to fit a bunch of crap and still load in under a half hour. It occurs to me that there's always room for pictures of cute Goth chicks.

For now I'm getting nowhere. I can't get Movable Type to point to the right directories, I can't change the style sheet because it won't find it, and I have to figure this all out myself, since the instructions are detailed yet vague on certain key points. I installed and followed the directions to the letter, except for the parts I had to guess. Pa-hain in the ah-hass.

But it's free, so what do ya want?

UPDATE: Okay, I figured THAT part out. My configuration defaulted to a root directory THAT DIDN'T EXIST. I dinnt do it!

Now I have to learn all about the template layouts. Why isn't it in columns? Oh well, I want to make the columns like this blog anyway, with the crap on the left and content on the right.

Be patient - I have a temper and I read sloooooowwww.

2003-06-03T22:03:00.000-07:00

Meanwhile...

I always wondered what kind of Goth I am.

You are a Fun Goth. You like color and probably
hate Manson. You are as anti-manson as so many
true goths are but you are happy with how you
dress and act. Even if it pisses off some goths

Goth quiz... a good one
brought to you by Quizilla

Manson's got a few good tunes I guess, but I hate Anne Rice. Am I still cool?

2003-06-03T00:46:00.000-07:00

....Movable Type Blog Status Report....

STATUS UPDATE: initial system upload phase (caterpillar) complete

ERROR LOG: small image display and db location errors located and fixed - no objects on desk punched

BLOG STATUS: basic level function - ugly plain layout - initiate anti-ugly phase 060303
SUB: login 'remember me' box checked, FAILS to remember name and password
SUB STATUS: no objects on desk punched, moderate short-term cursing - on hold status

PHASE INITIATION: beautification/function phase (cocoon) initiated, all levels - status forthcoming - large amount of work needed - Trace on standby
PHASE SUB: blogger download phase (butterfly) staging, all levels - status forthcoming - - ibuprofen on standby

STATUS REPORT UPDATE: to follow - launch date: undetermined - estimate: 060803 (anticipated errors ignored)

REPORT END

REDICULOUS POST END

2003-06-01T22:14:00.000-07:00

Angry Fuckhead Avoids Talking About Himself

Baaaaad mood, must avoid reality, stream-of-semi-consciousness blog. Heregoes:

Treacher rocks and cannot be stopped, Kevin's revin' up again, Bdiddio is getting a new drawing for his blog title once my anger subsides a bit, and check out this out-of-control chick-dood.
Why doesn't Sean Penn just shut the fuck up and make movies? Or not even make any movies either. That would be mucho mas cool.
J-girl, if you're reading this, write to me; I'll be dropping by your place of business sometime soon, and I WILL fuck one of the strippers. Pick a few of the cleaner ones out for me. You see, that little....ah..."difficulty"....I had was caused by allergy medicine. I stopped taking the medicine, now I have the labido of a 20 year old and I can bust walnuts with it. No shit.
BTW - my new hip-hop name is J-Bo. Don't shizzle on my mental difizzle.
Ray Romano is NOT FUNNY. Everyone else on his stupid show IS, so you can go ahead and watch it, until Peter Boyle kicks.
More herbal extracts and resins on order. I'll let you know if they help, or do anything at all. Write to me if you REALLY want to know what Salvia does to you. Damiana is the plant of patience, and the reason I don't punch strangers.
If there isn't anyone in charge of Stymie's estate, I'm starting a church just to see if I can take donations without paying taxes. (still no link to the archives available; blogger stinks like a sardine's pussy).
There are only two more people on the planet who haven't seen an episode of M*A*S*H. Please watch it people, so they can knock it off already.
Do you people HAVE to see a movie the weekend that it comes out? I don't. I'm unemployed with a Christmas present of $20 in Harken's coupons, the Matrix - Overloaded will have to wait for a quiet matinee with no smelly FAT people.

You may now return to your lives. That is all.

2003-05-30T18:26:00.000-07:00

Surely You Are The Son Of Blog

Soon the change will come. Tharsis will move into the ether alongside soda can pulltops and episodes of Thirtysomething. YES I will make the break, I will go my own way, I will make peanutbutter and pickle sandwiches and smoke banana peels and talk of the days when we sailed the winds of fate. I will make the blog of blogs. And I don't care who knows it.

I have travelled the web, looking for listings of blogs. I have seen crap and overcrowded pages and broken links. I have witnessed page after page after page of political opinions given by people who have never studied politics. I beheld diaries of cute feline antics and pictures of family picnics, all posted in the blocky orange and muave page layouts of Blogger. I was exposed to blogs made of link after link to major news sources I can easily find on the first page of a Google search. I sought out satire and art, and a place to hang out with people who's personalities are a mix of intelligence and humor.

Didn't find much yet. Nuttin'. Stugots. These blogs do not serve the NEED.

AND SO, I will study and read the texts of blog and make my own place at my website. I will cease my personal messages of bitter whine, and make the photoedits and cartoons and flash animations that are my true purpose. I will design and create and remember to tape Scrubs. MY blog will be one of the best places on the web for the eyes of mankind to set foot. I will make a fool of myself when all of this comes to naught, and you will be there to point and laugh and tell everyone how you warned me not to bother. You will comment and joke about the latest post while gathered with your co-workers around the water cooler. You will elect me Prefect of Blogs, and serve me cheese doodle casserole on the backs of naked women. You will visit and enjoy and you will LOVE ME. Oh yes, how you will love me, and force cash into my waiting hands in thanks and praise for bringing something different to your surfing.

And I will smile, and remind you all of the final scene from the movie Brazil. I will know peace.

I will indulge myself, and I will hope you will join me.

2003-05-29T20:55:00.000-07:00

Another Pit For The Cherry Bowl

My Mother's sister, probably her most favorite person in the world, had another heart attack today. They say she probably won't make it.

The poor lady was on oxygen and suffered several debilitating conditions through the years. She was a very nice person, who was plagued by an adopted child who became a criminal as well as poor health. She never ever forgot to send a birthday or Christmas card to me. She'd sign them with calligraphy. I would never send one back. I suck.

Now I have to be there for Mom. She's going to be a wreck for a while over this - her older sister was her hero.

I'll have to post some more funny stuff here tomorrow. The show must go on. Let's see if there's a reaction to this like there is in certain other places.

This is turning out to be one assfuck of a year.

UPDATE: She pulled through. That's something, but it still won't be easy.

2003-05-29T00:39:00.000-07:00

Here Goes The Neighborhood - I Can't Get Out The Slum

Everyone is setting up their own blogs on their own domains. A nice idea I thought about doing myself a while back. I'm already hosting the photos that appear here on my own domain server. But as usual, I can't do anything without making a big pain out of it.

So now I'm trying to understand Movable Type. I hope I get it soon or everyone will discover that I'm a dumbass. Ah, but it's not as simple as all that. Let me 'splain.

My site is primarily for business; it's a place to display my portfolio in order to drum up freelance work and sell my prints. I want to keep it respectable, that is "neutral"; it's not really a place for political rants or talking about my personal 'life', or being a wise-ass just for a giggle (much as I like to do that).

Here at Blogspot I have posted under the Geedis persona, also known as the Angry Bastard. There was a good reason for it, as it's the name I used when making comics, before I got the impression that it was a big waste of time. It seems uneccessary to continue since just about everyone who could give a damn knows who I am. It would be equally silly to do so on my website since it too is named after me. Still, no need for potential customers and employers to get to know the real me AH haha, I mean the online me. I want to keep business separate from pleasure, or I'd go back to work for Sweet Rodney.

The other bloggers who have moved out on their own (see link list at left) have domains which are more or less named after them as well, or their blog, but they seem to be meant primarily for the purpose of displaying the blog. In Kevin's case this is particularly logical since, as a writer, he wants to display his skills in his own forum.

So what are my choices? I could make a virtual domain on my webspace, but it costs extra (a LOT extra - WTF?). I suppose I'd have to put the blog in there and not add a link from my front page. I'd like to run two of them, one for the front page, which is laid out like that anyway, and one for fun and photoshop.

So that's where I'm at right now. Once the voices in my head all agree, I can go ahead with the plan, whatever that is.

Stymie be with y'all.

2003-05-26T18:01:00.000-07:00

A Message Of Wisdom And Light

During these troubling times, war, disease, and the declining quality of reality television threatens to doom all of human kind to despair and suffering and acid reflux.

I am here today to tell you that you have hope.

There is one voice that shows the true path to enlightenment and love which all people need to survive the evils of the world. One soul whose spiritual wisdom can deliver us from sadness and lead us all to salvation.

Who is this savior? And how can we follow his teachings? Well brothers and sisters, you have finally come to the right place, where you can learn these things and more. You have come home.

Welcome to the Church of his Holiness, Stymie, Wisest and Greatest of Rascals.

Others have named Spanky as the wisest and best example of leadership, but I say this is not so. Spanky was trained to be opportunist and materialistic, expressed in his promotion of shows for profit as well as his organization of gender-centric clubs.

No, it is Stymie who is the shining example of wisdom, the one who offers advice and guidance to us all, his Rascals. Stymie is the one who acts while others sit and eat mush.

One example of this is to be found in one of the many historic documents left to us by His guiding hand. In the parable "Honkey Donkey", His Holiness seeks to entice a sitting mule, his trusted friend, to move from the living room floor of the upper-class mansion where he and the Gang have found themselves after seeking hedonistic pleasure. The Guru Stymie speaks unto him, saying "Come on Algebra, this is no place for you".

The message is clear: His Bowlership has warned of the materialistic pursuits of the wealthy and the deception of the upper classes which leads to want and despair, and the donkey signifies his enlightenment by following the pulled rope around his neck.

Another example of Stymie's call to act in the face of evil can be found in the hymn of "Dickie" wherein the boy Dickie, also a member of the elite, is cured of a stiff neck by the healing hand of the Bowlered One after all attempts by modern medicine and parenting have failed. When the parents of Dickie questioned the Sage about this miracle, Stymie simply answers "Well, I just gave it a twist." A simple and honest solution is offered in the spirit of brotherhood, when all other attempts by the so-called 'real world' have come to naught.

One of the most famous parables of wisdom and understanding can be found in the book of 'Birthday Blues'. Here, Stymie teaches us that through hard work, ingenuity, and brotherhood, we can all make the world our 'cake of prizes'. The overflowing dough of goodness will swell from the stove of righteousness in a chorus of 'Weep-Wow'! All who eat of the cake will find that it provides the hair brushes, string, old shoes, and even soap bubbles which give life and hope to us all.

It is noteworthy that the materialistic and greedy Spanky merely finds in his portion of cake a belly ache, which proves his path to be dangerous and false. It is only through the perseverance of Stymie that enough contributions are collected from the children who sought his wisdom to buy Dickie's mother the Sunday dress that is her due.

You do not need to seek out the teachings of Stymie in the historical documents to know that His wisdom touches us all. Stymie is everywhere, and in all things, from the makeshift fire engines of our childhood, to the International Silver-string Submarine Band. All you need to do is join Stymie and eat of the Cake of Prizes to see all that He has to provide you.

You need only open your heart and mind to Stymie, and allow Him to give you the 'High Sign'.

For more information, see the writings of the First Brother of the Church of Stymie, Cardinal Buckwheat.

2003-05-26T02:34:00.000-07:00

Good News Is No News

It's late, blogspot has been on the blink. Here's the rundown on G-town:

I still have a couple of old friends, imagine that. Everyone seems to be doing okay (could be better - could be worse); and I may get a little work out of the reunion. Crossed fingers.
I sold a few prints from my website. How did that happen? Advertising! I guess I actually have to tell people about my work to get them to buy it. Nobody tells me nothin'
Multi Level Marketing has lots of pushy people involved in it. In case you aren't familiar with the concept, MLM is doing a lot of promoting to get as many people as you can to buy what is basically nothing. You sell them the opportunity to go out and get other people to buy opportunities to get other people to buy.
It's the Tenth Looneyversary of my rewriting my resume. How many times can I lie? I would have liked to be back in school by now. Hate remains.
Lots of fun posts in store for this week. Wisdom we all need. Should I build my own blog on my commercial site? Hmmm...
I'd like to thank everyone for their worthless suggestions. When "The Time of Cleansing" comes, you will all be spared and given your own coffee shops.
A big thanks and fuck you to all the stupid Ravers and dieters out there who are responsible for Ephedra being taken off the market and soon to be illegal without a prescription. Moronic, over-indulgent fuckheads are responsible for ruining good drugs for the majority of us who research the true sources of information (ie: NOT commercials made by lobbying parent groups), read labels, and use substances responsibly. I hope you all find some other way to kill yourselves really soon. Harmless? Compared to your brain, YES.
Fig Newtons are STILL very cool.

Stay tuned for our next show when the true saviour speaks! Also, Joan Embry from the San Diego Zoo will be joining us I would imagine.

2003-05-22T02:11:00.000-07:00

A Change Will Do Us...... Good!

I'm really busy lately, but more stuff coming for ya!

I have been getting more hits lately, but most of you folks haven't been giving me your input about what you'd like to see more of on this blog! Looks like I'll have to grease the wheels a little. Let me start by linking you to some freeware. Yeah baby, just some neat little programs that won't harm your computer and help in your websurfing and other things. I will only link to those apps that have the Tharsis Seal Of Approval for being safe and neat-o. Now you'll receive a little gift when you visit me, along with those photo edits of mine that I know you're snagging! :D

I found a nice little program that checks your favorite websites for updates and scans them to let you know if there have been changes. You can schedule these checks by the hour, day, or month, and it's FREE FREE FREE. You can add each site just by visiting it with the program open (task bar icon) and clicking add and setting the times you want it to check.

How's that? Your old pal Uncle Geedis will take care of you! Ahh, but I need you to take care of me! So, here's the deal:

Just leave a comment under the latest post (so I notice it quickly). Don't just say 'hey' or 'nice blog' or 'did your mother have any children that lived'. Say 'I'd like to see less of this and more of that'. Make sure you then say gimme the freeware link so I know you want it. IMPORTANT: leave your email address in the comment, so I can send you the link to download the freeware. BAM! That's it! Just like that!

Yes, I know you could find it on your own if you looked, but we're just talking about exchanging a solid for a solid (ew!). We are a happy family of insane bloggers!

So join the Tharsis Fluff Club today! I'll be glad you did!

2003-05-18T21:59:00.000-07:00

Hearts Of Insufficient Reading Light

Last night I had a dream.

I had a dream that I wrote a thousand resumes. A thousand pieces of paper, all containing pieces of my past. I used that paper with the kitties on it, they were so cute. I took the resumes to the job recruiters. I took each resume and whipped the paper really fast across their arms. The blood from the papercuts wet the paper and spread. The blood. It looked like the kitties were playing with red yarn. The red yarn of unemployment. The red yarn of not fun.

I went to each one of those people, who were hiring for low-paying jobs I knew I could do. I sliced and I sliced, and ate olive loaf between each slice, you know the ones with the little pieces in the meat, they're so delicious with that brown mustard on them, you should try them. I sliced and sliced until there was a pile, a pile of little arms, with papercuts and cheap digital watches on them. And I wept. I ate chocolate donuts, with green spinkles on them made from seaweed and cornmeal. And I wept some more. I cried for all the DVDs I wouldn't be able to buy, for all the video game systems I would never experience, for all the women I wouldn't be able to take to dinner and lie to and bring to my apartment to play 'UPS Man' with and then leave and never call them again. I cried for the children.

Then I got an email from an old friend. She's younger than me, that's not what I mean, I just knew her for a long time. She wrote to me, she doesn't write often. I wondered what she wanted. She said her brother, my friend, wanted to call. He never calls. He hasn't talked to me in years. The dream became a reality, an unreal reality full of American Idol kids singing polka songs. Like a message board full of comic book geeks insulting each other instead of getting laid. Everything was so dark, so empty. All my friends are gone. Gone. They never call, unless maybe they want something, like a pickle or the rest of my soda. Why don't they call when they say they will? How can a man live, how can a man network, without friends? Why do they all leave? All leave and take the bus of going away to the terminal of not being around. -Ness.

I saw a vision. A vision of Don Rickles dressed as my mother. He looked so darling in the mumu, but it wasn't his color. My God, it wasn't his color! He told me to shut up. He told me I was a hockey puck. A hockey puck. I don't even like hockey. Soon the darkness will come. Soon the darkness will come, and the electric bill will be overdue. It will be too late. Too late.

Oh, the horror. The horror.

2003-05-15T19:52:00.000-07:00

Revelations: Your Eyes Are Closed Until They're Open

So anyway, my Dad comes over today. He's in town from Canada to visit the family for a week. The old fellow conducted himself very well. He was pleasant but nervous, and spoke about many things, mainly death. Death of my aunt and uncle, death of friends, death of strangers, people near death and doing things 'before I die'.

But the most significant thing is that for the first time in my life that I can recall, he didn't make me feel like I was a dissapointment. He used to always say 'Why didn't you', 'You should have', That's just stupid', and so on. He would always ask a question and then wear a look of deep disapointment at whatever answer I gave. He certainly had plenty of opportunity this time, with my unemployment, but he only said that things are tough, and I hope things get better for you. Not that it's a direct result of my failure. Huh.

He also pointed out that old age has taught him that life is too short to argue over petty things like money. You must understand, this is the man who would come into my room while I was reading and say "You're not using this light, are you?" and turn it off. I would have to sit in total darkness until he lectured me on conserving energy and walked away. Then I could turn it back on, or buy infrared glasses. This is the man who ranted and raved in a movie ticket line at full volume in front of dozens of people because "the goddam tickets are four dollars now? Four dollars? Four?". This is the man whose entire side of the family is infamous for going twenty years without talking to each other after an argument over who paid for the cake.

Well what do you know? Things like this can go a long way towards closure and filling in the missing pieces of the puzzle in my head. I'm a little less angry now.

Of course, he did say one thing which I have mentioned before, the one thing that I would like to stop everyone from saying in my presence. He said that maybe I should look for a career in something else besides art. As I pointed out already, he doesn't know. Most of the full time work I have done in my life didn't involve art in any way. Only three positions did. So the thing that he and the rest of my family and friends don't realize is that I have been trying things their way, and they haven't worked out much better.

I will stay the course from now on. I yam what I yam, and I yam a broke ARTIST.

Not too bad, you live and learn.

SO. I was feeling funky the rest of the day, and had to go spend money.

2003-05-13T13:07:00.000-07:00

Halfassed Rants: More Bile - Is This Thing On?

Where the hell is everyone? How do I get more people to read this blog? How much dancing monkey bullshit do you need?

More photo edits on the way. I'm gonna keep dancing like a monkey in a party dress on this blog until all of you people love me. With money. I deserve it.

Nobody is buying my stuff on eBay. Some clown said he puts stuff on there and made $2000 in two months. How the hell do these people do this? Maybe I should buy a book on how to do the eBay thing. I did get a couple of people asking me about shipping and I couldn't have made it any easier. No followup sales yet though. I don't think I can link to it from here, so just go to the jamesbogner.com site listed at the top of the links list to see the prints that I'm talking about. A thousand bucks a month would get me back into school right now, and even pay my bills.

Nobody is buying my prints from my website. I can't spend any more money on advertising. The people who made the prints for me loved them and kept copies for themselves, and told me I should sell my work. Why do people always tell me my art is good enough to sell, but then they don't buy any? Not the best artwork you will ever see by any means, but dammit, worth a few bucks, I should think. I'm making more as we speak, but I can't very well pay for more prints to be made until I start selling the 200 I have already (100 of each for two designs). SHIT, I even went for the harmless, middle-class animal design shit just to make sure I am marketable to the largest number of people. I'd rather be drawing monsters. My family won't even buy any. They don't even want my originals. Your family is supposed to support you, even when nobody else will. Your family is supposed to hang up your artwork even if it sucks and it's ugly and looks like Bobo the chimp painted it with his own shit. I'm never making a single creation for any of them ever again.

Now do you see why I rant and rave? I wasn't always filled with hate, it's just that when I try to do things the way others do them or the way they tell me things are done, it just never seems to work.

If you want to piss me off, about the best way to do it is to direct me to any person who has met with instant success. I almost punched my monitor after going to a cartoonist's website, and reading his bio which said "I drew a cartoon and sold it to a publication for $100. Now I have a house and a family." I looked at his stuff, and I thought it was poorly drawn and the gags were not at all funny. I hate HATE people who say 'oh, I tried something and it worked so now I am making lots of money'. Fucking pricks. He lived in Alabama or somesuch, so that might explain it. I noticed a lot of no-talent dumbasses can get printed in places like the south and north/mid-west. Sorry to condescend, but I've seen it time and time again.

I also met a rich guy years ago who owned businesses and a gallery. He hung his pen and ink/watercolor washes in the gallery, and sold them regularly for several hundred dollars each. They were okay drawings, too. Nothing special but pretty good I'd say. That was why I started back up trying to do it myself, because it seemed to work for him. Now, I've been drawing since I was two years old, that's over 30 years. This guy tells me "oh, I'm not an artist, I just picked up a pen one day and made these, because I just thought I'd try something new and fun. I drew this one in a fishing boat one afternoon. I sold it last week to a lady for $600." Bada-bing, just like that. 'I made it, people loved it, I made lots of money.' Fucking prick. Mother-fucking, scrote-sucking, ass-licking prick.

I couldn't even get published in my college paper. You should hear that story. In short, I showed them my stuff, and the editor said she wanted me to come up with a couple of week's worth to make sure I'm ahead on the printing schedule. Now, that sounds like acceptance to you, doesn't it? Yeah, I thought so, too. So I go to my crappy apartment, and sweat out a couple of weeks worth of daily strips. OKAY, I'll admit, there was a fairly obvious INFLUENCE by Bloom County, but hell, so was everything else in the late 80's. In fact, I think that may have created interest as much as not. So I bring the strips in, and the editor says they don't want them and, get this, she DENIES EVER ASKING ME TO PRODUCE THEM. Nice. I still haven't gotten over that, and I hope Arizona State University gets bombed off the map by pissed off Iraqi exchange students. That sound harsh, but that kind of shit happened to me every single day for years. Screw them, why should I be the only one to get my ass kicked?

So I just keep trying to get any work I can as an illustrator/cartoonist. I just spent a bunch more money I can't afford to lose on printing promotional items to mail to publishers and customers. I started this last November. Do you know how many responses I got? NONE! ZERO! NOT A FUCKING CRUMB!

I keep working and trying and trying again and again, wasting money and time and getting nothing. Now I'm looking for crappy full time jobs doing shit that an ape can do for too little money. I am getting NO FEEDBACK. I'm smarter than this, I'm better than this, I spend my time fixing things and figuring things out for people anyway. I can't get noticed. I can understand now why so many people make fools of themselves to stand out. You have to hit people over the head with a brick just to get them to look at you.

HOWEVER, I won't give up. I can't, really. What else have I got to do than try to live as best as I can. This life will be over soon enough.

I prepared a PayPal tip jar to put up here. I promised you readers I would earn your attention with more creative output, and I am sticking by that. But I get about 12 of you a day so far, and I need more before I can start begging. See, I'm not afraid to do the work. I deliver, all I ever asked for is to get paid for what I work for. IS THAT SO WRONG? USA! USA!

I even bought a new squeegee and foam cup.

I hate my life.

2003-05-10T01:31:00.000-07:00

Thumbsis

A quick tribute to funnyman Steve Oedekerk, because I just watched Thumb Wars for the umpteenth time, and it was the most fun I've had in days. So here's a Photoshop edit of me as a thumb, using my face and, yes, my thumb.

I know it's a different finger than the one I usually show in this here blog, but it'll do.

Also, some of the fellas from the old Message Board of Funk were having a discussion a while back about a Renaissance painting of a lady holding a small mammal. There was some confusion as to exactly what type of animal it was, until one of the guys discovered it was a ferret-like critter known as an "ermine". After he told me this, I edited the photo, but I guess I didn't hear him right the first time ;)

2003-05-07T01:04:00.000-07:00

TV Wars

I dug up some photos that show scenes from the Star Wars movies in earlier takes. I think these were stand-ins or deleted scenes, but I didn't see these in the DVDs.

Somehow, I don't think this will surprise anyone.

I think this next one shows why Jar-Jar was so annoying.

I think we know who's in charge on this show.

I knew this jerk was being too hard on those singing kids.

"It's a little known fact that the Force originated in downtown Chicago."

I know I don't remember this scene.

2003-05-05T00:45:00.000-07:00

Another Marble Falls Out Of My Ear

Not much to express here except more anger, folks. Just a few tips from your Uncle Geedis:

Posting your resume to online sites gets you jack. Sure, I got the sweetest job ever when someone found me listed at a computer job board, but that was back in 1999 when they were hiring everybody.
Lie to the Unemployment people as often as you can get away with it. They don't have real jobs, either.
Eating pizza is a good way to keep from kicking the snot out of somebody for at least 15 minutes.
6% unemployment in the country, a record high since 1994. Good to know it ain't just me, bad to know that it probably means I'm more fucked than I thought.
I deserve a better life. Yeah, I know we all do, but it's my blog, innit? Anyways, I'm an artist with some talent and I should have money, so gimme some. How about if I agree to be funnier in exchange for posting the PayPal tip jar. I also promise to post funny artwork, howzzat? I would feel great about producing entertainment if I wasn't so hungry and close to being homeless. Money!

I suppose I should say something positive, since you read this far. Hmm. Well, I lost 9 pounds in two weeks. I call it The College Student Diet. Try it: go back to the income level and living conditions you had when you were 19. And if your parents paid for it and your college, I hope you die horribly and go to Hell. Like, right now. Jerkoff.

Wait, that was positive? Hell yes it was, 'cuz if you had a better life than I had, I'm positive you're a jerkoff! HA!

Can't IMAGINE why nobody will hire me.....

HAVE A NICE DAY!

Next Episode: Geedis goes to Classmates.com, and contemplates self-inflicted ballpeen hammer brain surgery. Tune in, won't you?

Money!

2003-05-01T00:14:00.000-07:00

If You Do It By The Book, They Throw It At You

Yet again I get bitten in the ass for doing the right thing. I can't go into too much detail, but this unemployment stuff is such crap. Because of some silly DES rule, I had to declare one of my freelance clients as an employer, due to tax payments made from my check prior to my being paid. The website I go through to get freelance art jobs has a program that will do this for employers if they request it. But for unemployment, the rules are foggy.

A client I did a job for last month called me today because she had received a letter from the DES. I was afraid that they might have to pay unemployment insurance, because I think the money comes from my last employer. I didn't want them to have to pay anything, as it's not really a nice thing to do and I'd like to work for them again. But because I'm habitually honest, and told the DES that taxes were paid (if they aren't, it is qualified as freelance for the purpose of their records, whereas when taxes are paid by the employer, it is considered employment. Who the hell knew?). However, the client told me the website company paid the tax, but it must have been taken out of the pay from my client, so who paid the tax? NOW I have to make more phone calls to people explaining things I don't understand in order to straighten out this crap, all because I was thorough, efficient, and honest.

Remember, these are the folks that can't even keep an appointment to tell me how to get work. (I'd link you to my rant, but the archives don't seem to work. Figures.)

Shit-jeeziz, does ANYTHING work? Does anything just do what it was made to do?

What does that tell you? I think the whole world is full of shit.

Today, they extended my unemployment for another three months, but then that's it, it's gone. I had better get full time work soon, or I'll go nuts.

One god thing, my contacts don't bother me as much. I wore them just to get the full two weeks out of them and give them an honest test. Not much foggy crap. I guess it was irritation from my old ones, and allergies. I still refuse to take back my rant, because the minute I do something will go wrong.

This blog is better when I'm funny. Hope I feel like getting back to that soon.

2003-04-29T19:50:00.000-07:00

More Reality, Too Much Fantasy, And A (Very) Little Music

I sent out another, get this, 12 resumes yesterday. I've been going out to businesses to fill out applications, but they don't want you to do that anymore. Job hunting is no longer 'hitting the pavement'. But they always tell me to send an email or a fax ($$$) or visit their website and fill out an online application. Only two of the businesses I have visited in the past couple of weeks would even take a hard copy of my resume!

I've never had nearly this much problem getting a job before. I hate all of this online crap because they just won't get back to me. I don't know if they got the information, or why they won't interview me, or what. They don't even answer follow-up emails. They might list a phone number, but then they tell you the person is out. What the Hell am I supposed to do? Years ago they sometimes took you right into the office for an interview when you went in to fill out an app and leave the resume. Now, nobody even wants to talk to me. I though I was nonsocial.

I'm keeping a list of all the businesses that are ignoring me. One was an assistant management position at the vitamin and supplement health food store I shop at. NOW i no longer shop there, nor will I ever again. You must stop angering me, humans.

But yas, the new Baldur's Gate is fun, but very very time consuming. How many quests do I have to go on? Every other character my party meets sends us on some stupid errand. One strange new thing about this version is that the program sets up a romance for your character. No kidding, one of the Non Player Characters of the opposite sex hits on your character! I read ahead on a very poorly written walk-through I downloaded, and apparently this is to set up a character to be captured by and turned into a vampire. Another quest. Kudos to the Black Island people for adding these kinds of odd twists.

And I snagged some songs off the internet, and just out of curiosity listened to a few tunes by Avril Lavigne. Most of it is pap, but 'Complicated' seems to have stuck in my head. What does that mean? Am I just getting more open-minded, or do I just not care anymore? Does this mean I have to stop going around saying she's the Anti-Christ? To I have to remove the mustaches and missing teeth I draw on her pictures?

No no, of course not.

2003-04-27T00:13:00.000-07:00

Quality Rewarded - Part 1

Since I curse the underachievers who are otherwise being rewarded by our society, I will give equal time to those people who are really making the effort to say and do the best. The bad stuff gets the rants, but the good needs less explanation, and often it's best that you see for yourself.

Animation quality

I trust that you added these links to your 'keeper" list?

2003-04-25T22:16:00.000-07:00

The Eyes Don't Have It/Fantasy Is Real Enough

So anyway, I go to get my eyes checked, riiight? And they're a little more nearsighted than the last time, so I order more contacts. I have to pay out of pocket and the funds are dwindling, because I haven't gotten any new freelance work in a few weeks. So anyway, my doctor tells me only a handful of his patients get daily wear soft contacts, and the disposable contacts are now the standard, riiight? He says the dailies will either get much more expensive, or they will stop making them altogether.

I haven't had an eye exam in two years; I can't remember why I still get the daily wear. So he gives me a pair of the disposable contacts to try out. In short, I don't like them; I have astigmatism-something-junk in my eyes (especially in alergy season) that gets on the lense and I can only see out of one of them at a time. That happens to the daily wear too, but these things seem to stick to it more and dry out my eyes. I can't clean them.

This may not seem worth mentioning, but it just goes to show one of the main headaches of my life that you should know about: whatever becomes most popular for the majority doesn't work for me. Others vote with their wallets, and sooner or later I have no choice but to conform, even when it doesn't work. I can't complain about it either, or THOSE people will just say it's too bad, it's my problem.

Anyway, whaah. I could have been blind, riiight?

The good news is that I have a new game to waste my life with for awhile. This is good news indeed because I need so badly to take extended vacations from my real life, and my computer is three years old and doesn't run most games. I bought Freedom Force thinking it would run on my Pentium II. NOTE: read the RECOMMENDED REQUIREMENTS, not the MINIMUM REQUIREMENTS. Now I have to play it on my sister's computer, because it's newer. BUT Baldur's Gate II - Shadows of Amn seems to work just fine (shock) and I put off buying it because I thought it wouldn't run. I must have read the box of one of the newer roll-playing games. So now I can go back in time again to my D&D days, when just about everyone I knew played it, and nobody was a geek because of it (the quarterback of the highschool football team first taught it to me. How's THAT for defunking peer bullshit?)

Again, I know it seems insignificant, but you have to learn to torture yourself like I do, and see everything as part of a bigger pain-in-the-ass. Well, today I'm fifty-fifty, if I IGNORE EVERYTHING ELSE HAPPENING IN MY LIFE.

How are you?

2003-04-23T21:01:00.000-07:00

Muddy Thinking

Watch the PBS special about Muddy Waters. Don't pay much attention to Keith Richards fibbing, just dig on the footage and let the music speak for itself. This music needs to be passed on to the kids.

No jokes today. I just spent the last two days applying for 10 jobs. I just realized I spent almost 200 dollars in total sending faxes. I can't follow up with employers who only advertise with a fax number.

Somebody had better contact me soon or I'm screwed.

I wish I could play the blues. Unfortunately, I'm twisted ass-backwards, and hard times don't inspire me to create, I just lose energy. I don't create much these days because I'm so down, I make much more artwork when I'm happy.

Feel that wind? That's my life passing me by. See that dust? That's the pieces that got broken. Tell me it's alright, Momma.

Heh.

Don't worry. I can feel a couple of rants coming up.

2003-04-21T21:16:00.001-07:00

Does This Mean I'm Immature?

I just saw a commercial on CBS for the show "JAG", which mentioned something happening to a "JAG Officer", only I don't know what it was because I laughed my ass off for about five minutes. Say it to yourself a few times, then laugh like Butthead.

2003-04-20T00:23:00.000-07:00

If You REALLY Want To Know

For my sake and yours, I present these links. These are the websites of two gentlemen who have had a big influence on my world view. Their careers couldn't be more different, but some things they have in common are that they are very intelligent, and concerned with the world as it probably is, not the world as people want it to be. Also, many people don't seem to like the things they say, which convinces me that they're on to something.

Look and learn.

James Randi Education Foundation

George Carlin

Let me know what you think if you like.

2003-04-19T21:52:00.000-07:00

It Doesn't Matter If You're Gray Or Dusky

WARNING: THIS IS A RAMBLING POST. MAKE COFFEE BEFORE READING.

Now what's a blog without political commentary about the situation in Iraq? A much nicer read, I think. However, let me touch on a couple of things just be able to say I joined in. Today's post was brought to you today by Kevin's April 19th post. Go check it out to see what happens when you give your opinion of people who really, REALLY hate to hear your opinion of them.

Now, concerning the "war":

Something you should know about me is that I find it limiting, silly, and a bit insulting when so many people insist that I choose one side or another on any point, particularly one as complicated as politics. I only enter these discussions with people who have known me long enough to have already decided whether or not to hate me. Someone that knows me well isn't as likely to judge me based on my view of a single issue.

Moreso than any protest against or patriotic zeal for a particular war, I am disturbed by being limited to defining such a situation in terms of black and white. I believe that the very act of doing so undermines the purposes of politics to begin with. Politics is decision making and debate, solving problems and creating more for the other guy. It's constantly in motion. Few decisions in our government are made solely at the whim of one political party or another. It is gestalt, the sum greater than the parts of two parties. Besides, I haven't heard of a war involving America this confusing since Vietnam. I realize some may say this is a wishy-washy statement, that I should 'be a man' and 'pick a side'. Why? So you can have another faceless person to debate with? Your rules, your game, your bat, your ball. You are the one who decided there were only two possible positions to begin with. You must be boring in bed.

Another reason I avoid these discussions with people I don't know is because debates of these types are often begun for purposes other than the subject matter. Many people look more for reasons to feel better about themselves; safer, smarter, more important, than an answer to serious questions. This is human nature, and not-so-oddly-enough part of the root of politics, so I accept that. Hey I know, it's a scary world out there, I sympathize. But I won't answer loaded questions.

To wit: if someone asks me "Do you SUPPORT this WAR?", I always answer with my decision about what to have for lunch that day. If the person becomes adamant for a specific answer, I add my view of possible dinner choices.

Do you follow my point on this? The person didn't just ask what my views were, they tested me to see if I fulfilled one of two major criteria: Someone to agree with and like, or someone to disagree with and dislike. Of course, I'm oversimplifying to make a point. Is this person asking if I am a supporter of war in general? A supporter of our men and women in the armed forces? The current administration's choices to go forward with armed conflict? Do I support the current administration in all things? Am I given to feelings of conquest and avarice, or justice and freedom for all countries?

See, that's a loaded question. Pointed right at me.

My view of this is why not get right to the point? Simply DECIDE FOR YOURSELF whether you would feel better about yourself if you like me or hate me, then act accordingly. Yell at me and call me names, or buy me a beer and call me a friend. Fact is, if you're so easily swayed, my status can change at any time, which is fine, but don't expect me to do the work for you.

Cynical? Perhaps. Or maybe just an awareness of human nature. I'm nobody's bogeyman. I'm also nobody's soulmate. Don't try to make the mask fit. Sorry to wax geeky, but to best demonstrate my final view of this, I quote the fictional character of Treebeard from Tolkien's Lord Of The Rings: "I am not altogether on anyone's side because no one is altogether on my side."

So you want to know what I think? Get ready to be here a while, because you may not know any more about what I think than you did before you started reading. If you think this is wishy-washy, all I can say to that is don't ask me. Simple. Hey, give me credit for warning you first.

>>> At this point I wrote a lengthy report on my political views. In short, it even bored me after awhile. It wouldn't be worth it for you to slog through. So do us both a favor, and insert your own view here so I can get back to making fun of stuff. I'm not a political scientist, I'm a human being! <<<

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

To sum up: politics exists for a reason. Find that reason and you will understand politics and the nature of man. Once you know that, all the little questions about which president is fucked and what war is right or wrong will be answered for you. Only don't ask me, because I'm still working on it myself.

And I'm having ham and a baked potato for lunch. No, no, wait, ham and coleslaw. Yeah, I have to use up the leftovers.

2003-04-18T12:46:00.000-07:00

So-so Friday and Crappy Easter

I hope all my egocentric Christian readers have a happy Easter.

Here's my chance to ask all the questions nobody would answer when I was in Catholic school:

Now as I recall, you're not supposed to eat meat on Good Friday. What if it's Kosher? Do hotdogs count? How about soy burgers? I mean, they ARE dead too, right? What about the meatloaf they sell in cafeterias? How come I can wear leather goods on Good Friday, but I can't eat the rest of the cow? It's dead already. Why do they show Moses on tv every year at Easter when he was jewish and alive years before Jesus was even born? Or Charlton Heston? Can I eat rabbit meat on Easter? Did Jesus walk on plastic grass with jellybeans in it? Why do they make the kids dress up in suits and dresses and then hand them milk chocolate bunnies? Does anyone eat those marshmallow chicks? What do chickens give each other on Easter? What happens to the eggs we never find?

And why did I keep getting kicked out of Catholic school?

Ah, well. Time to celebrate the Easter holiday just as I do every year. I invite all the neighborhood kids over for a bunny barbeque. It's kind of fun really, except that the chocolate cruds up my grill.

2003-04-16T14:32:00.000-07:00

Get Your Fresh Updates Here

Just some quick points that need a mention:

Thank you to the few folks who send info and well wishes to me through my tragic war, ah, I mean unemployment. I gotta say I'm amazed at the fact that a few of you are either unaware of or not bothered by the fact that I really am a cranky bastard. Support of the people removes the thorn in my paw (for a little while). Good to ya.

Freedom Force is just about the coolest game ever. I love the corny storyline and characters right out of old 60's Marvel and DC comics. I haven't been interested in the superhero genre for years, but this game bought it all back. It all doesn't seem so silly when you're actually called upon to come up with strategies instead of just reading about people in colored underwear blowing each other up. I might throw a few screen shots up here.

Kudos and an extra serving of pickled potato salad to bloglinker.com. Zaeem Magsood is a genius of the highest caliber, you know, the kind who makes life easier for us lazy people. Keep an eye on those links to the left folks, and add yours if you want. I just have one issue: I set new links by others to be hidden so I can check out their site and add a funny blurb to it like the ones I add myself. But I can't seem to do that! The edit function comes up but doesn't show a box to enter anything but a category on entries listed by other people. Does anyone know about this? BTW - I'm going to add categories to the list soon, and HUMOR BLOGS will be given top priority. It's all about the funny. And the angry. Funny AND angry is best. Heh.

You're going to see regular, even daily, updates to this blog from now on. And don't worry, I won't just be adding stupid crap like what I ate for lunch just as an excuse to update. I'll always try to be entertaining, and not add anything as silly as a list of quick....points....to...ah....yeah.

2003-04-15T18:46:00.000-07:00

The Department of Economic Security is neither

I've been without full time employment for almost 6 months now. This is more than twice the longest time I have ever gone without. Clearly something is wrong.

I have tried everything from resume writing services to registering with a dozen temp agencies. Nothing. I got a couple of two-day projects, but that isn't any better than the half-dozen freelance art and web site design gigs I've gotten on my own. Nice to have the money, but it's not enough.

Since I had to go down to the DES to renew my Unemployment benefits, and since that is always an affair akin to getting my teeth pulled, I decided to make them work for me for a change.

Years ago, they'd have someone sit down with you and help you get some leads, or even set up appointments for interviews for you. Not anymore. Now they just tell you to get on the computer. It's great if you need a job as a dishwasher, or in a warehouse making 7 bucks an hour. How someone with that income can afford a computer and internet connections is beyond me.

So I attempted to go back in time. I set up an appointment for Career Counseling. I figured any help they could give me would be worth it.

There is so much I don't know.

I made the appointment last Friday for Monday at 11:00 AM. Monday comes and I go. I arrive fifteen minutes early, as I do for just about everything, and check in with the front desk, sign in, and the woman tells me to wait in the waiting room. What's wrong with this picture so far? Nothing? Right. I didn't think so either.

So I wait and wait. A few of the personnel come in and call the names of others who are waiting there too. Then a guy comes in and begins an orientation presentation, and tells us we can stay there whether we need to hear it or not. Not that you could help it, what with 50 people in a room the size of a small kitchen.

I wait for half an hour. The paperwork they give you says not to be 15 minutes or more late or you will be re-scheduled. So I check with the front desk. I ask them to call the woman I am to meet with, and when she didn't answer, I asked them to page her. (keep in mind: I ASKED THEM - they did not suggest it, or even offer anything, but were busy reading magazines and laughing). I waited, and asked them again two more times, which totaled one hour and 45 minutes of waiting. Nobody could explain, so I left. I decided to call back and set up another interview.

I called the woman at her number, spoke with her, set up a new appointment for 11:00 AM the next day, Tuesday. I mentioned that I waited and (here it comes) she told me she had left to check her mail at 11:10! No message to the front desk. She just left. An hour plus to check mail? Man , I wish I had EVER had a job like that, where I could walk out any time I felt like it. So just to be sure she didn't come to get me from the meeting room (I sat looking right at the door, in case I wouldn't be able to hear her with the orientation going on) I told her I would stand right beside the meeting room door. She also asked that I have her paged. NOW, all is clear, and should go on as planned, right?

Uh huh.

Tuesday I showed up 15 minutes early, signed in and had her paged (HER SUGGESTION). No answer. Call her desk? No answer. They tell me to wait in the waiting room. Okay, it's still early, so I wait. Same story as last time. Wait, ask, wait, ask. This time the receptionist tells me, after a half an hour of waiting of course, that she SAW THE WOMAN I WAS TO MEET WITH WALK OUT RIGHT BEFORE I CAME IN. Oh, I can see how you would forget so unimportant a detail. Go wait in the waiting room.

This time I sit-and-repeat for just an hour and 15 minutes, then I ask for one more call and page. The receptioinist asked me if I saw her come in yet. From inside the meeting room. When the receptionist is AT THE FRONT DESK IN FRONT OF THE FRONT DOOR. Oy. I told her I had never met the woman before so I don't know what she looks like. Sheesh. Then I ask if there was some family emergency or something that would cause her to LEAVE RIGHT BEFORE A SCHEDULED MEETING TWO DAYS IN A ROW. She shrugged her shoulders at me - that must have cost the state 9 bucks right there.

So I walked. Why should I ask for career advice from someone who can't even do their job? She never even came by to get me. And I'M the one out of work.

I go through this kind of shit every day, and they wonder why I don't want to talk to people.

Got any web design jobs you need done?

2003-04-09T22:29:00.000-07:00

Who am I ??!!

Wow, what was with the whiny 'nobody reads this' crap, eh? Well I'm feeling a bit better now, and I heard tell that I will have to go in search of blogs to share links with. And so, I go.

Until then, I'll work on a few things to make this blog pop. Some essays, like my views on the Iraq situation (hey, didn't see that coming), some doctored up photofunnies, and more musings to amaze and astound you. Watch closely. At no time will my brain leave my skull.

Be here or be not here, that is the question, and that is the secret of love. Question.

I'll be back with the answers after this short break.

2003-04-08T18:01:00.000-07:00

Where was I ??!!
That is a damn good question. Gone for almost six months. What possible excuse could I have to give to all of my readers for that little 'fox paz'.

Well, for one thing, I am convinced that nobody reads these things, or not mine anyway. I think I will have to add a feedback section so I can record any signs of life that wander here. I want you to know, that I would do a much better job of being entertaining if I know there's somebody watching. Before too long after I started this thing, I just stopped caring. You see, I have a major peev about not getting returns on my efforts. I know a blog isn't important, but if all I care about is keeping a journal, I can do that on my own hard drive. So why post these things online? For a sense of community I suppose, for the crowd.

So, do people want to hear what I have to say? According to the blog ratings I connected to for a few weeks, my average rating was about a 6 out of 10. That was out of about 50 people, so I guess someone was looking at it. I'd feel pretty good if it were an 8. With no feedback, I couldn't tell what was working and what wasn't. Without feedback, I'm back to guessing.

Personal anguish seems to go over well in these blog thingies. People seem to like hearing about someone else's personal tragedies. I don't quite know how I feel about writing like that. I mean, things are still really bad for me now, the worst they've been in years. I'm just afraid that if I start telling you all about it, I'll just sink into angry ranting and not be very entertaining or funny, and my god we can't have that. On the other hand, I do have lots of crap in my life to write about. If you like that sort of thing, this could be worth it for you.

Unlike many people (the ones that make autobiographical comics in particular), I don't really enjoy talking about myself. As I said, now is a bad time for me, and I used to be a lot cooler. Why should I tell a bunch of strangers how long it's been since I've gotten laid? I mean, I've gotten laid quite a bit already in my life, and I'd rather think about that than what's happening now. Or be judged by a single chapter in my life, particularly a pathetic one.

So what to do, what TO DO?

You the readers can vote on it as soon as I figure out how to add comments to my posts. If I can manage to siphon off some of Kevin's readers, I will probably end up relating my pathetic life, since those folks bug him to keep that up. So what do you want? Tell me whatever you want to hear from me, the things you go to blogs to hear, and I promise to do my best to do whatever the hell I want to do anyway. Heh.

NOTE: I can't seem to get the damn code to work. Javascript is supposed to be simple. It's not. Anyone that codes for a living and enjoys spending hours of their time troubleshooting for a single character of code, is a fucking lunatic.

UPDATED NOTE: Okay, it's fixed. I'm a fucking lunatic, too. Anyways, check this blog for what you like or don't like, for what you see or don't see, and chime in on the comment form, why not?

2002-11-05T20:49:00.000-08:00

:::The NONFUNNY ZONE:::
Geedis - Shat The Movies:
Hellraiser: Hellseeker
Why did I watch this? Oh yeah, I like horror movies.

Sometimes they're good, sometimes they're so-bad-they're-good. And sometimes they're just bad. Like Ishtar bad, without the budget.

This new Hellraiser was in that last category.
Same basic idea as the previous installment, you know, the one damn near everybody said didn't work? I don't get that.

Nice try for a twist ending, the trouble is, there was no reason for it. No real motivation for characters choosing to set the film's events in motion. Just an exuse for convoluted stroytelling which 'lies the truth'. Hard to watch and follow. Dropping clues and twisting reality is fun in the hands of someone with skill, but this film simply changes things constantly.

And everyone kept saying "Doug Bradley has a lot more screentime in this one". He did - about 2 minutes more! A few good lines but nothing else worth seeing. Contrary to reports, the cenobites were shown LESS than in the previous film, and fan favorite 'Chatterer' in two quick flashes. Ashley Lawrence did alright with the nothing they gave her, but you'll just keep saying 'why?' throughout.

Clive Barker said he liked this one? I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

They're making two more Hellraiser movies back-to-back. Do they even care if they make money? Or are they cheap enough to be guaranteed to pay off?

Anyways, don't see it.

I think I'll try my hand at writing scripts - success is clearly not nearly the longshot I thought it was.
:::end nonfunny zone:::

2002-11-01T20:01:00.000-08:00

YEAs and NAYs - It's gotta be said!

Yea: That VISA commercial with Kevin Bacon playing a live-version of 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon to prove his identity to a cashier when he forgets his ID. Nice idea, funny, short and WELL DONE. Kevin is a cool guy, especially for a Hollywood actor, and has a good sense of humor about himself. He's just cool enough to be forgiven for The Hollow Man.

Nay: Someone please back me up on this one so I know I'm not going nuts. Is chocolate tasting blander these days to you, too? Even Hershey's, the Schwarzenegger of chocolate, doesn't seem to pack the punch it used to. I've recently sampled a bunch of minis (milk chocolate being the best historically) and it just tasted dull to me. I remember vividly from my childhood years as a chocolate connoisseur, the ability to tell in blind taste tests the differences between Hershey's, Nestle's, mid-level brands like Broch's, and the cheap stuff like supermarket brands and that shit from Mexico. Now even the good stuff tastes like the cheap stuff used to. Hershey's Kisses used to be a mouth-gasm worthy of restraining the urge to chew. Now it all tastes like that crappy white chocolate. Am I just getting old, or is quality dropping? Is there a right answer to that question?

Nay: Speaking of quality plummetting, I've heard lots of people say they're glad to see so many horror and sci-fi series popping up on television. I'm sorry to have to remind you guys of this, but MORE ain't BETTER. Characters as bland and forgettable as the aforementioned chocolate, plotlines only marginally better than an episode of Lost In Space, and how the Hell do you make GCI look so cheap? Computer animation was a sure ticket to Neatoville in the early nineties, now it has me asking for Ray Harryhausen to come out of retirement. I WANT to like Firefly, I really do. But I can't. I just watched it and I can hardly remember what it was about. I started this argument years ago when Star Trek: The Next Generation first hit the air: it took me a looooong time to tell the characters apart, and this has gotten worse with every Trek spin off since. A lumpy prosthetic does not an alien make. Check out Brother From Another Planet again to see what acting can do to portray alien beings. And don't get me started on X-Files: good-fucking-riddance. Apparently nobody in the country but me remembers that the entire first season of this series was made up of blatant ripoffs of genre films (THE THING and THE HIDDEN for example). Anthony Timpone, editor of still-the-best-horror-magazine-in-the-world Fangoria, once wrote an editorial referring to this phenomenon as "a tribute" to these films. I never forgave him for that. We used to call it "rip-off".

Yea: I don't say positive things too often here, so just take my word on the following. Movie: Brotherhood of the Wolf. Television: Scrubs. Watch and enjoy. Do it, really. Just trust me on this.

Yea: Voters all across America are increasingly in support of decriminalizing marijuana. Alright, mostly for medical reasons, but a step in the right direction is a step. If this keeps up, soon it will only be illegal for people who enjoy it. Keep it up guys, 'cuz with the rest of the dopey, paranoid laws that are being bandied about Washington post 9-11, we're all going to need some cheering up. Remember folks, you can't O.D. on it. Sorry, it's been proven in studies done by everyone including our own Government. Relax. There's plenty of other, more serious crimes against humanity to bitch about at the water cooler. And don't worry, thanks to Al Capone, the legality of alcohol isn't being threatened.

Nay/Yea: Is it just me, or does Faith Hill look more and more like Britney Spears every time I see her? She's what, 10 years older? How does she do that? Seems like a stupid thing to complain about, I know, but it's just a little weird. It's one Hell of a nice weirdness though. Which leads me to.....

Nay: Pam Anderson - knock it off with the fucking breast implants already! Did anyone notice that her announcement in the press 2 years ago about breast reduction surgery was a lie to cover up tabloid reports of her doctor appointments? She told everyone she was getting them reduced, and now they've doubled in size at least twice. She used to be so hot in those Playboy photos - find them if you don't have them and check again (put the tissue down for a couple seconds). By the time she hit Baywatch, she used to look like a Real Doll, now she looks like a Real Doll-slash-Floatation Device.

2002-10-16T23:34:00.000-07:00

People Who Go Away Part 2

Once again, I thank the following people for effectively falling off the face of the planet. We don't miss you:

Paula Poundstone - One of the most unfunny comedians ever shat out 9 months after a drunken one-night-stand. Creepy androgynous looking chick, thanks for staying off television! Whoever your agent is, talk him into representing Carrot Top, too.

The Spice Girls - Yeah, they keep trying to come back, but there's no shortage of loudmouth chicks who drink like marines. Gerri Holliway should come back and do more nude photos, but to hell with the rest of them. Whoever your agent is, talk him into representing Britney Spears, too.

Cybill Shepherd - You were cute in Taxi Driver, now you're an over-bearing hag. Bruce Willis is more attractive than you.

Bill Clinton - Alright alright, you fucked a fat intern, you wanted change, you were NOT involved in Whitewater, yeah yeah yeah! ENOUGH! Go build houses with Jimmy Carter!

Macaulay Culkin - Recently spotted home alone in the Drew Barrymore wing of the Betty Ford Clinic. I guess life sucks when you stop getting carded.

The Taco Bell Dog - How much you wanna bet he ended up IN the Chalupa?

2002-10-16T22:54:00.000-07:00

Incredulous Aging Rocker
Sammy Hagar on The Hollywood Squares?! Sammy Hagar! Isn't that one of the signs of the Apocolypse? Everyone knows anyone appearing on that show qualifies instantly as being washed up! I can't get over it. He was in Van Halen, doesn't that make a person automatically cool for life? Okay, David Lee Roth could be on Hollywood Squares, but Sammy Hagar? Sheesh! Next thing you know, they'll be making a reality show starring Ozzy Osborne!

What are you laughing at?

2002-10-14T18:58:00.000-07:00

This Just In
Weblog 'Tharsis' Goes Week And A Half Without Updates: Reports of this weblog going without updates for over a week have been confirmed! Sources say that there has in fact been no activity to speak of for the longest time in Tharsis' existence.

Geedis, keeper of the infamous weblog, was approached for comment. "Could you move over a little?" the writer/artist remarked, "I'm trying to see the game." When asked for reasons behind his failure to keep the site current, he answered "Could you pass those chips? I'd get up, but I'm afraid I'll cut one. Thanks.".

These comments clearly show the impending crisis. We promise to keep you posted on any further developments.

2002-10-03T11:57:00.000-07:00

Announcements
Soon I will be moving to another place of residence!

I'll also be getting another phone number. And another internet provider with a new email address.

And I'm changing my name. And my face. I found a good plastic surgeon. He's throwing in mole removal with the lift.

In fact, I'm not even going to be a person anymore. I'll become a...a...a tree! Yeah! A birch no NO, an ELM. Yeah, just me and the squirrels, sitting pretty while you monkeys all blow each other up! Hah!

Oh wait, what if someone needs wood? Shit.

Okay, I'm going to become a..a....a rock! Yeah! Sandstone no NO, granite! Yeah.....

2002-10-03T11:44:00.000-07:00

Pay Your Rant
Christ in a wrestling ring, but some of you people are out of your minds! The longer I live, the more nutcases I encounter on a regular basis.

What happened to you all that messed you up so badly that you have to force your mental anguish on others? Bullshit happens to EVERYBODY! IT ISN'T JUST YOU! OTHERS AREN'T INSENSITIVE TO YOUR PAIN, THEY ALL JUST HAVE THEIR HANDS FULL DEALING WITH THEIR OWN PROBLEMS! WE ARE ALL DOING THE BEST WE CAN! CHILL OUT - HAVE SOME CHIPS.

It doesn't seem like that to you because you watch too much TV.

Well, unless you're watching Jerry Springer. I suppose that's a good test of your mental health: if you watch the show and see a bunch of rejects from the shallow end of the gene pool playing it up for a few minutes of fame and a few bucks for a new trailer (there's no such thing as 'reality tv', it's an oxymoron), then you are normal, or at least average. If you watch the show and see a bunch of people you identify with, who are your neighbors, your friends, or your family, then you're a Major Whack-job! PLEASE - turn yourself in to the nearest mental hospital. Really, they have some pretty decent drugs these days, and all the latest crossword puzzles.

I know you can't help who you are. Just do me one favor and write a book about your life instead of stalking others. You might even turn your experiences into profit. If you're in that much pain, find a boxer and ask him if you can punch the heavy bag for a while. I can tell you it really helps. And if it doesn't, punch the boxer. You won't do much complaining for awhile with your jaw wired shut.

But you shouldn't hurt anyone. Especially since nowadays, pretty much everyone has weapons.

2002-09-30T19:07:00.000-07:00

Political Tidbits
In the political race for your state representatives, always vote for the ones that create lots of campaign commercials featuring young childrens' faces! This clearly says to voters that they care about children, and that THIS politician is different! Really!

2002-09-30T19:04:00.000-07:00

This Just In
Sitcom star Megan Mullally, who plays Karen Walker on Will & Grace, has won the Vacuous Hollywood Award for the second year running for Most Annoying Person On A TV Sitcom! Previous winner Sean Hayes is proud to keep the award in the family. "This is so meaningful that she won again," said the star of the mysteriously popular series, "our show is so meaningful, and this shows how meaningful an actress she is for winning such a meaningful award!"

Another previous two-time winner, David Schwimmer, commented with another of the hilarious quips which the actor is well known for in his work on Friends. "Phh, wha huh, she, phh, win?" said the sitcom star, "Phh, um, great!".

The best quote of the evening went to four time winner and host Terry Bradshaw, who said "It's so great that you can see me on this show again, cuz I'm great! Huh huh, huh huh, great!".

2002-09-28T01:14:00.000-07:00

People Who Go Away
Some people seem to pop up everywhere you look. On TV, radio, newspapers, everywhere, and the more annoying they are, the more they seem to pop up.

Some of these folks have stopped popping up over time. They haven't exactly died, I just don't see or hear from them much anymore, and I'd like to extend my personal thanks to a few of these folks now:

Vanilla Ice - Yeah, he keeps TRYING to come back, but our culture keeps rejecting him, like a body rejects a transplanted anal thermometer.

Paul Riser - My sister liked your sitcom Two Annoying Married People, but you've got to be a hell of a sap to make Helen Hunt seem funny. Please don't come back. You are to humor what a black hole is to, well, everything.

Bob Dole - I was getting sick of those Pepsi commercials.Though I guess it's good to know that Viagra was discovered by someone nobody would want to fuck anyway.

Hammer - Guess you really didn't need all those racehorses, did you buddy? Thanks for vanishing, and taking those stupid fucking pants with you.

Candice Burgen - 5 terms as President of Pretentiousness is enough for anyone. Potato with an "e" is the British spelling, close enough. And you also have no idea what funny is. At least your dad only worked with a stick of wood, he didn't act like one.

The Zima Guy - We all figured out that the stuff tastes like bong water mixed with Neutrasweet. And the hat thing wasn't funny either.

Don't worry, the list will be continued. I hope to get to everyone eventually, at least since I realized that the list is bound to be shorter than the list of people who SHOULD go away.